Showing up
Lately I’ve been fascinated, and challenged, by the expression and concept of ‘showing up’.
Every time I offer something to the world, like a course, I move into a freeze-zone. Usually not directly, but about a month before a course-start, when I decide it’s time to really ‘show up’, I become Cinderella after midnight. I turn into a grumpy hedge-hog-she that wants to hide under the bed, with all her clothes in shreds, no slippers and with no prince in sight. Which is not great if you are offering courses for a living and feel you have a message for the world.
The reason I’ve realized is the split I make. For me, with my background and conditioning, showing up means something harsh, masculine and steely. It’s me reaching out the to world - out there - with little me here, and it’s just to muscle through the discomfort of sharing my message. So it’s a split and also an object relation. I make myself small and the world out there big and scary.
It’s not until the last few days that something has shifted. maybe because I’ve allowed myself to let go of the need to hold a course at all. By removing the sense of being forced, I’m relaxing into wholeness, allowing pleasure and joy to guide me and sense into where I feel an invitation. Which is so extraordinarily powerful and simple, if it wasn’t so difficult to do and remember.
Now the glitter is back. She as me is back. And each time I blame myself for back-sliding, as my super-ego would like to call it, I invite myself to see it as a practice of the feminine. The ebb and the flow. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes when I write these blog posts, or news-letters, I know it can come across as all glittery-sparkly, whereas in reality I struggle with my shadows every day, and the hedge-hog is often roaming freely. But it’s not wrong to struggle, or to have our hundred shades of darkness. It’s just an innocent misunderstanding as Adyashanti says:
“Because of an innocent misunderstanding you think that you are a human being in the relative world seeking the experience of oneness, but actually you are the One expressing itself (I would say herself) as the experience of being a human being.”
So when I lean into a different version of showing up, a feminine version, one that has the jewel force, glitter and vulnerability to it, I feel soft, real and open. Non-attached and curious. And I remember that this has never been about me. Just as it never has been about you. We are these insignificant specs of astonishing potential that get expressed in human bodies for a very short length of time. And our gift to the world, as She, is to show up in our full unique expression and share that miracle that is ours with the world. On my clear and sparkly days, that is what showing up is for me. Which is when I purr into the limelight.
What does showing up mean for you?
With love, juice and purrs,
Lovisa
