This blog post chronicles my own somewhat unlikely journey of a deep longing to celebrate and support men. Which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been working with women and teaching them, and myself, to turn on…
A Selfless Act of Kindness
At the end of January, leaving the German in depth-retreat that I attend twice a year with the same group, I forgot one of my beloved red warm leather gloves and I had resigned to get a new pair when returning to Sweden. Suddenly, while waiting on the train platform to take me from Bremen to Hamburg, a Dutch man from the retreat came running. He had managed to retrieve my glove from the bus that we were all on, and then he had sprinted to see if he could give it to me before the train left the station. This man is married and I hardly know him so it wasn’t a romantic gesture. But it was a manly gesture of the very best kind. I was so moved by his willingness to go through all that trouble for me, to provide that kindness, that I started crying. And in the course of the last year, I’ve encountered other amazing men who have given me such hope for the future, not only personally, but globally, that I’ve almost had to pinch my arm. Is it possible? Were these men so lovely all the time, and I missed them in my rejection of men, or did men change when I was looking elsewhere? Or is it I that has changed that I’m now able to welcome and receive what men love to provide?
Team “Rejecting Men”
It’s a long tale to retell my own history of men and the masculine, but suffice to say, it has been complicated. Most of my 20s and 30s, especially after I switched teams (from being on team ‘make me as similar to a man as possible and wanting to prove myself that I’m as good, or better than you are ‘ to team ‘women – let’s create something much better than what the men are doing, and let’s crush the patriarchy’). I was against men. Since I believed that women and the feminine were inferior to men, being a woman, I felt powerless in my engagement with men. If you add sexual attraction to that mix, where I often was on the receiving end, yet not feeling the same, I was frightened by men’s interest. On occasion I felt sexual attraction too, but most of the time, what was important to me was to be seen or acknowledged by men I admired, like a peer. When that didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, I felt rejected. So I either tried to hide or got angry and rejected them right back. Not all men. I’ve had lovely relationships with men too, but there was an underlying overall negative assumption about men.
Getting lost in the masculine
So while I had issues with men, I myself was totally focused on being like a man, rejecting the feminine and other women. I was a smart, driven, entrepreneurial ideas person who was intent on coming as far up the ladder as I could, and I would create a thousand ladders if that was necessary. I was all about doing and knew nothing about the preciousness of being, despite having a strong spiritual longing. Most of the women I work with are high-performers who realize that something got lost in translation and in our attempts to become equal, we became great attackers of the feminine ourselves. The late Jungian psychologist Marion Woodman spoke about the big loss of the feminine in a society that only venerates the doing, the achieving, and the cost of perfection, which on a deeper level all contribute to a loss of soul.
Are men a hairy less evolved version of a woman or did we misunderstand it all?
After I started working with women, connecting women’s sexuality and their jewels (i.e. pussies) with their inner path and their leadership, which resulted from a deep union with a man that healed wounds and re-awakened my sexuality, I’ve felt so blessed and enriched. It is absolutely amazing to be around – and to support, women who want to be turned on and to live from their sexual feminine power. It’s one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Through embracing the feminine, the jewel, and the preciousness of a turned-on sisterhood, which has been a healing process in itself, I’ve started noticing the suffering of men, especially in Sweden where men, generally speaking, are considered sub-par. But the evidence of the emerging shift in power dynamics is present globally as well where boys are falling behind in schools and men are expected to be heading towards a major future job casualty. Using Alison Armstrong’s words, most women and society at large, treat men as a hairy and slightly less evolved version of women instead of understanding that we are quite different from a biological standpoint. A treatment that I’ve now come to see as both unfair and destabilizing for society.
Fear and misunderstandings
What we fear, and whom we don’t understand, we will reject. Or at least we would like to change them to be more like us. And if we feel like a victim, we will collapse, collude with whom we see as oppressor or objectify the same and make them wrong. Many of the women I’ve met and worked with over the years have been wounded by men, including sexual abuse, which I’ve carried as well. But I also got lost in my rejection of men, which meant that I discounted the wonderful men I met over the years. In addition, I was unable to see the incredible value men and the masculine are providing, not only in my life, but globally. And the fact that it’s not only women who are evolving, which we hear a lot about, but that men are too, which men rarely get credit for.
Realizing all of this, I can feel a profound sadness in my heart over what we do to one another, based on our misconceptions and fears. Examples are, one the one side, the systemic abuse of women e.g. in Saudi and Afghanistan, the violence women globally are subjected to by men, or the realizations of MeToo, the necessary, the transformative and the troublesome. Which are examples of an unconscious patriarchy that still depreciates the value of women and the feminine and still sees women as objects instead of equal subjects. On the other side we have the modern systemic shaming of men and treating masculinity as a disease, telling boys to behave more like girls, the lack of soul many men experience as a result of not being connected to the feminine (with no one being able to show men how to reconnect in a way that works for them – not surprisingly often through conscious sexuality), and making men and boys wrong for even existing, which points to an emerging unconscious matriarchy.
Inviting the Conscious Masculine and the Conscious Feminine
In the quest for making men and boys more “humane”, we’ve forgotten that both women and men have the feminine and the masculine within them. Depending on whether we have estrogen-bodies or testosterone-bodies, the feminine will most of the time be stronger in estrogen-bodies and vice versa. However, since we live in a performance-driven culture, we can also say that both women and men are constantly acting out the masculine, which leads to an excess of the masculine. At the same time, especially in highly post-modern countries like Sweden, there is a premium on empathy, often associated with the feminine, which while vital for human evolution, also can go unconscious and become super-charged, i.e. we feel too much, or we wield it as a weapon. The former might lead to burn-out, while the latter can lead to mobs proclaiming their moral superiority using shaming and ‘borrowed anger’ quoting a wise woman I know. The conscious feminine invites compassion instead, meaning to be able to sit with what’s painful with an open heart, without judgment or needing to immediately fix it and from that place get clear of what action, if any, that needs to be taken.
Falling in Love with our Rejected Selves
True growth and maturity always happens from within. We need to make peace with, and eventually fall in love with, the part of us that we have the poorest connection to. For many women and men, we need to cultivate our connection to the conscious feminine, here in the definition of an appreciation for being and receiving. For the soul. And for the incredible life-force that is the source of all creation. But we also need to befriend our conscious masculine, the doer and the manifester, which is the heroic, holding and protective part of ourselves. Since men increasingly reject themselves as men, and the masculine, men need to be supported by women and society in allowing themselves to celebrate the beauty that comes from being a man, standing in his glorious and conscious masculine. There is also something deeply and profoundly nourishing about the masculine and about men, with the core of men’s love of, and need of, women, and their amazing desire to be providers.
Turned On Women Celebrate Men or a Cosmic Orgasmic Union
I see a two-pronged path forward. The first one is for women to reclaim their bodies, their sexuality, their femininity and lead from that place, because it makes life so much more fun and effortless – and because a woman who is connected to her sexuality and femininity is a natural leader who is inherently strong, sets clear boundaries, doesn’t accept bs – yet can handle banter, and recognizes the value of the men and the masculine. The second is for men to recognize the value they inherently bring to the table in the form of conscious masculine leadership – the heroic, the lion-hearted and the holding – and to own that in an embodied way. Since men want to provide, especially for women they feel valued and celebrated by, men will increasingly start adoring and cherishing women. Which women will feel and direct even more appreciation and celebration towards men. And so the mutual appreciation grows until we are all cosmically orgasmically united:)!
So to all of you amazing and extraordinary men out there, and you are the absolute exquisite majority, this is for you. We need you, we love you and above all, we celebrate you. For being you.
In love and truth,